I am back. 3 years and 2 drastic life altering experiences later I have a little flicker of the cycling drive I had when living in Germany. (this may be long)
The beginning of 2012 I found out 2 things. 1 that I was pregnant after only 1 month of trying and 2 that my Dad’s cancer was not progressing well. A few months later I had a false miscarriage only weeks after finding out what we saw were twins was only one growing baby. My body didn’t like that extra sac sticking around and so it tried to expel it. I had a miscarriage without a lost child and without the pain. My little 13 weeker was found flailing his limbs in all the chaos leading up to the ultrasound. I was told I was to early along for medication to stop an early birth and that in all seriousness my body may still reject my little guy (his gender was still to early to be noticed). But life was on my side and we made it past that hurdle in the pregnancy. 4 days later I was homeward bound, back from 3 years living with the military in Germany. Our time was up and we had new orders to Tucson.
Once chaos calmed and life picked up in our new location my dad’s health continued to slip. It was slow and wouldn’t get worse till later. After months of calm and doting my awesome pregnancy my son decided he wanted an early exit. 9 weeks early I went to the doctor for something. At that appointment they discovered I was contracting. I was sent off to find out how serious it was. Well Little dude seriously wanted out because I was laboring at full force and dialating while my body said a big F U to the drugs. I was rushed into emergency surgery and had my son not long after. He was breech and a normal birth would probably have ended badly.
7 weeks of living out of the NICU we finally got to bring my son home. Life continued on. My father phoned me a month or 2 later asking for me to come home because things were worse. He wanted to see me and Mannix. I did so and It was that trip that I realized how bad my dad was doing. It took a lot for him to get the energy and strength to lift up off the couch to even hold Mannix.
Little did I know or want to admit but this was the last time I saw my dad. I got a call a month later that things went way south and he was unresponsive and pretty much in a coma. He lived the rest of his days out at home with his wife who cared for him until he passed away. It was so so so beyond hard to know what was right or wrong in that time range as far as just staying at home in Tucson or if I should have stayed back home with my dad. I had a infant and that alone made life rough. I look back and often find myself regretting a lot of things in that trip and the weeks to follow but at the same time when your parent is dieing you simply don’t know how to think or act. Your in disbelief and I am the aversion type. I avoid heartache by shutting down. I focused on my son while my dad slowly died.
January 2015 will be 2 years since his passing. I am still raw with emotions some days because of the year of 2012. It has altered my life so so drastically and while most days I seem okay there are those days that make getting out of bed very hard.
Between the challenges of child rearing (my son is 2 yrs old now), being stay at home mom and thinking of my dad most days my emotional well being is not what it was when I first started this blog. But I am slowly coming to realize this and feel a change of pace is in order. Though I have gotten on the bike and made some small achievements here I have not been consistent. I haven’t had the drive I used to. But wallowing in all the pity pools i’ve created for myself the last 2 years has gotten me nowhere in life. It’s time to start making some seriously changes.
For one, overcoming my increased insecurities and self hatred would be a start. And so it’s time to get back on the bike and work my way to becoming someone in the Tucson cycling world.
Gotta say though, I got a freakin’ fabulous birthday/anniversary/christmas gift this year. The Fuji Supreme (2.1 i believe). I was going to get the 2.3 but Fuji didn’t have any in my size available and agree’d to swap it out for the 2.1 at the same price but we had to put it together ourselves. Game on! My Giant just wasn’t suiting me anymore as it was just a tad to big for me. I had many good years with it though.
Here’s to a new chapter in life and a reawakening to cycling.